A Simple Test for Osteoporosis

At the very start of my Greenville, South Carolina walk Saturday on the Swamp Rabbit Trail, I took a quick, simple, and inexpensive medical test for osteoporosis.  Here is how it works, in case it is of use to others.

1. You do not have to fast before taking this test, nor do you have to pee in a bottle.
2. Pick a rainy day.  This is important so that the rocks along the way become very slick.
3. Wear a pair of hiking boots, which grip well on trails, but not on rocks.  You can substitute shoes with worn out bottoms if you wish.  You don't want a lot of traction if you are to perform this medical test properly.
4. Walk on a steep area with smooth rocks.
5. You should, at this point, slip and fall.  It is important to be surprised when you fall, and not anticipate it.  Make sure you land on your hip when you take the fall, and make sure you make contact with a rock and not the ground - which may be too soft to give proper results.
6. If you don't break your pelvis, hip joint or femur, you almost certainly do not have osteoporosis.
7. However, if you do break one of these bones / joints, then there is at least a chance you do have osteoporosis, or some other bone weakening condition.  You should seek medical attention for further tests, as well as to be put into traction for 6-8 weeks.

Note - even if you don't break something, this - like many medical tests - is quite painful.  Your hip area will hurt for some days after the test.  So if you decide to repeat this test within a month - which is probably not medically necessary - do everything you can not to fall on the same hip.

I took my fall very shortly into my walk, going down a steep slope to get this photo of the waterfall:

I was glad to have passed my osteoporosis test successfully, and walked for several hours after falling and landing on my left hip.  I guess I am lucky that all these miles of walking and running have probably strengthened my bones.  But my hip is still a bit sore five days later!  It is not a "medical test" that I hope to repeat any time soon!

Fifty Ways to Hike a Mountain

With apologies (just a few) to Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

She said “I think your problem is you’ve spent too long inside
And from the workplace stresses, you’ve not a place to hide
But I see a solution, if you would just decide -
There must be fifty ways to hike a mountain.”

“For ‘mankind’ all too often is so very far from kind
And I sense you need some respite to clear your soul and mind
So get out that old topo map, and a great route you will find -
There are fifty ways to hike a mountain,
At least fifty ways to hike a mountain.”

“Lace up that boot, Newt
Map out your plan, Anne
Cinch up your pack, Jack
It’s time to renew!

Hit the trail head, Ted
Follow that trail, Gail
Climb to the top, Pop
And get a good view.

Rehydrate your food, Dude
Rock-hop the crick, Nick
Try to stay warm, Norm
You’re hiking today!

Hike in the dark, Mark
Set up your tent, Kent
Sit by the fire, Brier
Relax – that’s the way!”

“You’ll want to get an early start, and head out at first light
So organize your trekking gear and load your pack tonight
A few days on a mountain trail should fill you with delight -
There are fifty ways to hike a mountain.”

“Stride along a forest trail on which the sun doth beam
And make your camp at end of day beside a babbling stream
Then nestle in your sleeping bag, and of the day’s sights, dream -
There are fifty ways to hike a mountain.
Yes, fifty ways to hike a mountain.”

“Hike ‘neath the moon, June
Set your own pace, Grace
Look at that view, Sue!
How far you can see!

Breathe the fresh air, Clare
Hike in the fall, Paul
Swish in the snow, Joe
It’s great to be free!

Don’t break a leg, Greg
Walk in the rain, Zane
Stay out of the mud, Bud
This weather is bad.

Take ‘Vitamin I’, Sly
Watch out for that tree, Lee
Don’t trip on a rock, Jock
Or you will feel sad.

Climb, and don’t quit, Mitt
See something new, Stu
Look at the stars, Lars
You can do what you want.

Eat with a spork, Mork
Trek with a pole, Joel
Hike commando, Fernando
(I don’t mean to be blunt.)

Stride strong with bliss, Chris
Do your climb smart, Art
Traverse the ridge, Midge
Go on, lead the way!

Pack out your trash, Nash
Walk down the hill, Jill
The end is in sight, Dwight
It’s been a great day!”

Chris Hershberger and Art Ritter
October, 2012

The Spider

The other night was not fit for man or beast, with torrential rains and high winds. And when I got up to open the screen door to our outdoor porch, a beast agreed with this assessment that it was not fit to be outside and rushed into our living room. It was a terrible, fearsome beast – a huge spider. How big was it? Well, not big enough to play in the NFL – no, not quite that big. But it was surely large enough to start at linebacker on a Division II college team! I mean, this thing was scary! It stood there in our living room, snapping its jaws and staring at us with like eight pairs of eyes.

“Kill it!” screamed my wife. “Kill it?” I replied. “With what? An elephant gun?” Meanwhile, the spider snarled with rage, grabbed a lamp with two of its legs, and threw it at my head. It barely missed.

“Just crush it,” cried my fearful spouse. “Crush it? Are you kidding me?” I said. The spider laughed, a deep and terrifying malevolent belly laugh, kind of like Jabba the Hutt when he trapped Luke in that “Star Wars” movie and planned on slowly and painfully ending his days. “Crush me?” it said. “Don’t even think about it.” The spider grabbed a leg of the table I was standing on it in its jaws and snapped it as easily as I would a matchstick.

I had to do something. A friend of mine once told me that as far as she was concerned, there were only two things that men were good for: crushing bugs and lifting heavy things. I pointed out that at least now and then, we are pretty useful to women for one more thing: taking the lids off tight jars. She scoffed at this. In any event, here I was, on the razor’s edge of abdicating at least 33% and maybe as much as 50% of my manhood.

“Look,” I said to the spider. “Let’s settle this amiably. I am a live and let live kind of guy. If I encounter you outside, I will leave you alone. But you come into my house, I will have to kill you, and neither of us wants that, do we? So why don’t you leave while you still have all eight of your legs and most of your eyes?”

“No way! It’s wet outside. I like it in here. This is my place now. You can leave in the next five seconds and maybe I won’t suck the juices out of your body and toss the dried-out husk under that sofa,” snarled the spider. For emphasis, it flipped over the sofa.

My wife screamed again. “Why is she screaming so loudly?” I wondered. Then I realized that I was the one doing the screaming, not her! “That’s embarrassing,” said the spider. “Do something!” my spouse yelled.

Her call galvanized me to action. In a flash, I climbed down off her shoulders and approached the spider. “Hey, I’m a mammal, not an arachnid,” I thought to myself. “Let’s use my superior mammalian brain to solve this problem.”

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s settle this outside, mano to mano.” I opened the door back up, and motioned. “I’m going to kick your butt,” the spider glowered. “Let’s go.” It scuttled across the floor and out onto the porch, and turned to face me. Using all of my guile and quickness, I slammed the heavy sliding door shut, locking the spider outside. I could hear it howling in rage. It tossed the patio furniture around and tore off some of the siding, but eventually, it gave up and left.

Me? I went out the next day and bought an elephant gun!