Some Really Bad Advice

If you get Backpacker Magazine (highly recommended), you may have seen a little feature in the November 2008 issue whereby different staff members shared “honest-to-God dumb (I would say incredibly stupid) tips we’ve heard.” I thought I would share a few of these, along with my comments. Many of these are good ways to remove yourself from the gene pool, or at least make you wish that you had done so.

Rub snow on cold digits. (Nothing makes frostbite better than more cold!)

Spritz yourself with bear spray to repel grizzlies. (Great idea! Make sure to get some in your face, too! Bears are never attracted to unusual smells. Plus, nothing like a little pepper to make food taste more zesty!)

Swill whiskey to stay warm. (This really helps. Not only will the alcohol affect your circulation in such a way that you will cool faster, but you will get too drunk to notice when you freeze to death.)

Sleep with an axe in bear country. (Huh??? I guess bears really fear the smell of an axe.)

Burn ticks off with a match. (Just make sure you have a high tolerance for pain.)

Store food in tents to frustrate bears. (It is a known fact that bears do not understand how to use zippers, plus their claws are so long that they don’t have much manual dexterity, so this would really frustrate them. If you want to go one better, stow the food in your sleeping bag while you sleep – they will never figure that out!)

Leaves of three, wipe with me. (My guess is that if you try this once, you will never do so again.)

Scratch poison ivy till it bleeds then pour gas on it. (Sure, and if you still have that match from burning the tick off, use that at the very end. The effect is spectacular!)

Pitch your tent next to a bluff for the best views. (That way, when you get up to pee during the night, you can have a great last view on the way down.)

Pitch tent near campfire for warmth. (Great idea, but make sure you have an asbestos lined sleeping bag. An asbestos tent would be even better.)

When waterless, drink your urine. (Wow, what a great idea! Make your stressed kidneys work even harder by recycling all those toxins!)

Follow the trail, not the map. (What do those map makers know, anyway? Do you like being in the wilderness? This is a good way to make your stay there much longer or even permanent.)